Last week I, like an avid boring fan of F1, have been watching the testing. Or not watching it as you can’t watch it unless you’re there. Instead I've been using the internet to read along. And with this comes a problem…

Twitter. The curse of companies using twitter, especially companies like F1 teams that mainly comprise of old men, is that they tend to hire in a millennial who has done a BTEC in social media and so sits there in the Media Centres of the world (probably sitting backwards on the chair there too!) and tweet away.

As no one else at a Grand Prix is under 60 all the twitter darlings befriend each other and get all close and probably have sex.

My point is that then when the next day of testing happens they are all really pally and doing lots of jokes with the other teams, or rather that guy who does the twitter for the other team.

What's wrong with this? All the conviviality flies in the face of the personas the teams have crafted over the years. I want to imagine that the cars themselves are tweeting and they all HATE each other.

But don’t worry, I have a solution

So I have crafted a set of social media profile templates for each team.

Mercedes:

Business like, each tweet ends with a link to buy a car and is exactly 140 characters. Don't mention winning much but keep updating profile pic with latest win.

Ferrari

Do it all in Italian. Fuck every other language, yours is best. If you're doing well bang on about it, if you're not start hurling accusations of cheating around. Smoke whilst tweeting.

Williams

Don't use twitter, it doesn't suit you and you don't understand it anyway. In fact, my impression of people who work for Williams are all older men in short sleeved shirts smoking Rothmans shouting "I don't even have a phone!"

Mclaren

Don't mention the problems you're having, make out everything is fine and pretend you're not looking out for an affair. (Well done, this is what you're doing)

Red Bull

Just be cunts. Tweet in capital letters and cross promote. @reply all the other teams and diss them constantly

Torro Rosso

Retweet and favorite every Red Bull post

Sauber

Be stoic, but make every tweet a pointed remark about how the others have more money so of course they’re doing better.

Renault

So french, just post youtube links of Serge Gainsborough records

Haas

Angry tweets at 4am in capital letters.

Force India

Endless URLs of press releases about how ‎Vijay Mallya isn’t crooked