State of F1: Aero Deniers

You have to feel for Arfur Daley working at the Red Bull factory, he’s concocted a cushy £80k a year salary being the bloke who designs and builds front-wing endplates. At countless meetings, strategy groups and trials he has to fudge the numbers to justify their expense when actually they’re just made of papier mache covering up smushed together fag butts.

And then Max Verstappen ruins it by sniffing Lance Stroll’s behind like a bitch in heat and before we know it Arfurs ruse is scattered all over the track.

But no, we all cry, Max has ruined his race because these cars are so aero dependant there’s no way he can… what? He’s fine?

Cut to Arfur filling his pockets with paperclips and nespresso pods before leaving the factory to be never seen again.

If a chunk of a car can fall off and the car not be affected then surely that chunk of car was not necessary. I thought the point of F1 was efficiency over everything. It’s all a bloody con. I’m starting to wonder if aerodynamics is even a thing, I mean we’re told it is and there are those pretty pictures with a baffling array of colours that out science us like an Aniston hair ad, but no one really gets it.

How do they test aero? They cover cars with fluorescent paint and watch the patterns, and because we as f1 fans have to feel intelligent we stroke our chins and go hmm, yes that makes sense. NO IT DOESN’T - they might as well be reading bloody tea leaves.

Even in Adrian Newey’s book there’s a chapter where he basically goes, look I haven’t got a clue how it works, I just draw lines and then six months later there’s a car, I thought I was designing a boat.

IT’s a scam, a conspiracy, it’s the MSM and the deep state elites holding back F1 from what it used to be, a sport for the masses, back in the day when anyone with a peerage, a rich dad or an oil field underneath their country could take part, now it’s just greedy manufacturers with a vested interest in keeping the little people down. After the flat earthers comes us, the aero-deniers.

Don't worry, I have a solution

I’ve conducted some tests in the garden I don’t have and have proved that aerodynamics don’t exist. I will be building a rocket that will fail to take off thereby showing, beyond any doubt that F1 is a fake thing filmed for cameras and doesn’t really happen.

After my shocking revelations which you can read in my badly spelled ebook I hope that F1 will get rid of all aero and we can have some decent racing. Like in that historic Monaco race where all the cars were driven at about a mile an hour for insurance reasons

State of F1: wisdom

For the last few years F1 has been positively wetting itself over how young the drivers are, Max is 20, Alonso was 20 when he started and there’s a guy in Formula Renault who is into wearing nappies, he’s 37.

Anyway, if you add up Max Verstappen and Lance Stroll you get a really ugly baby, but still one that is only a year younger than me. And I still harbour distant dreams of being an F1 driver.

But today's impetuousness by Max Verstappen was all about youth, he was on better tyres and had time on his hands to easily overtake the mercedes and Ferrari and win the race. He fucked up because he couldn’t wait. And I get that, when I was 20 I hated waiting for things: girls, boys, beard hair, buses, pubes.

The problem is, as all old codgers will tell you, with age comes wisdom, and a wiser driver (cough, Daniel Ricciardo) would have won that race today.

Don't worry, I have a solution

We need to stop these young whippersnappers coming in with all their inexperience and being fucking kids, fucking it up for everybody else.

But how? We aren’t going to have any kind of age limit shenanigans, we are going to have to think laterally

Which is why I propose artificially aging all the drivers, not physically of course, that would be crazy. Instead I think we should mentally age them. How do we do this? Well we use state of the art F1 technology and utilise the simulators! Every morning when they are not racing the young drivers go into the simulator and are given a real time second by second simulation of a boring job, imagine, tomorrow morning Max Verstappen gets in the Red Bull factory at Milton Keynes and has to deal with a HR department who have spelt his name wrong and Carol who has eaten his yoghurt. Then he has to endure nine soul crushing hours of taking calls from idiots enquiring about insurance plans and Raymond organising Emily’s leaving lunch but don’t forget Craig is gluten intolerant. By the imte he gets out of the simulator his soul will be so crushed he’ll have no desire to crash into anyone. And he’ll drink more

State of F1: ON THE STATE OF f1

Liberty have come up with their plan to fix F1, it’s a vague plan, very vague. It’s a bullet pointed list,. Or rather, bullshit points. If any of you listening have ever been in a meeting where stuff has to be agreed in writing but no one has the balls to take any responsibility for it then it will feel very familiar.

Here are some highlights:

The PU must be cheaper, simpler, louder, have more power and reduce the necessity of grid penalties.

Simple, make it an engine.

We believe how you spend the money must be more decisive and important than how much money you spend.

Is this an initiative or an inspirational quote?

While there will be some standardised elements, car differentiation must remain a core value

I’m no legal mind, but this could just mean different bloody colours?

F1's unique, historical franchise and value must and will still be recognised.

Was anyone suggesting anything else - was that Brian being that guy in the meeting, saying - what if people think we are trying to kill F1 - best put something in, just in case thats what people think?

Engineering technology must remain a cornerstone but driver's skill must be the predominant factor in the performance of the car.

How do you legislate for this? Have a little survey pop up on the steering wheel screen - can we take a moment of your time to ask how you’re feeling about your skill being a predominant factor - it’ll only take two minutes and you could win an amazon voucher?

Look, it’s laudable that they’ve gotten this far - the teams are not in F1 to make the sport look good, they are there to win, then make money for their parent companies or shareholders and then, if there’s any time left at the end of the week there might be twenty minutes to think about the good of F1. Mercedes and Ferrari have already vetoed a set of rules to change the cars for next year. The red team aren’t going to give up their extra money and veto for everything, you think Kimi’s pit stop was an accident - “Just look at what we’ll do if we’re angry, and he was one of our own”

The only real way to fix the sport is to stop letting the teams have any say at all. Just look at how Christian Horner has changed his tune on everything from cost caps to aero regs now that Red Bull isn’t Renault’s baby and they’re no longer winning. They cannot be trusted.

But despite all of this, what's’ the bloody point. The main problem with F1 is the engineers and aerodynamicists are too bloody clever.

When they tried to cut the aero the other year the cheeky sods and won almost all of it back by mid season - no matter what they come up with with simplified wings and reductions in vortexes the main fact is that it’s working group of a few people versus the might and genius of hundreds in the all the teams.

Don't worry, I have a solution

It’s a bit like gardening leave. If you’re in a competitive job you can be forced to not work your notice when you quit, but also not be allowed to start in a new job for a set period of time. These people are still clever, but their skills cannot be used.

Which is why I propose… Lobotomies!

Every new member of technical staff has a lobotomy from a dodgy Ukrainian doctor. After they’re over the surgery there is little chance they are going to come up with any genius loopholes to flout the rules. They’ll be lucky if they can even make a sandwich.

But I’m a sporting kind of guy, hence the dodgy doctor, sometimes he’ll get it wrong and there’ll be a chance that the lobotomy won’t take. That way some teams will have an advantage.

State of F1: aero (not very) dynamic

New rules, fat tyres, low wings, most of the penis noses and Bernie gone. It's a new dawn for f1 hallelujah. What? Don't mention that the race was pretty dull? But it can't be! Only it was. Despite everything, the Australian GP was a snooze fest of cars stuck behind other cars and unable to overtake. A problem that is so uniquely f1. Imagine a football match where the players can't actually shoot at the goal. It's all down to aerodynamics, a purposefully confusing technology that you can't see but makes f1 shit.

Now I know that sounds like an astute summary of the 2018 Australian Grand Prix but that is actually word for word the start of my State of F1 after last years race. And if I, a professional idiot can so brilliantly summarise what’s wrong with F1 why isn’t it fixed yet?

But Terry wait (not the hostage) they added a 3rd DRS zone this year - that must have done something? They may as well have had a bloke with a megaphone seconded from a peddalo pond screaming ‘come on number 5, let him through’

Ross Brawn has this week said that overtaking needs fixing and it’ll probably happen in 2021 if teams agree to it and, you know, as long as everyone is happy and it doesn’t cost too much and FUCK THIS

Don't worry, I have a solution

#Ferrari640 #FerrariF189 #NigelMansell #GerhardBerger #FerrariF1 #FormulaOne #Formula1 #F1 #ScuderiaFerrari #フェラーリ640 #フェラーリF189 #フェラーリ #ナイジェルマンセル #ゲルハルトベルガー #1989年 #鈴鹿サーキット #鈴鹿ファン感 #鈴鹿 #suzuka #セミオートマ #7速 #ジョンバーナード

83 Likes, 1 Comments - 💁🏻‍♂️ (@naokiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing) on Instagram: "#Ferrari640 #FerrariF189 #NigelMansell #GerhardBerger #FerrariF1 #FormulaOne #Formula1 #F1..."

STOP BEING SO COMPLICATED. F1 is the pinnacle of everything except making sense. The other day some old F1 themed instagram account posted a picture of a Ferrari F1 car from 1989. The front wing was a straight line. Then I saw a picture of the 2008 McLaren which looked as if Optimus Prime had had tepid water sprayed into his mouth for so long he threw up aerodynamic flicks everywhere. This years cars are closer to 2008 that 1989. When they launched my heart sank, aerodynamicists will put their crap everywhere if you let them. They don’t see in colour they see in vortexes and flo-viz.

The McLaren MP4-23, still 🔥 #McLaren #F1 #F12008 #MP423

10 Likes, 2 Comments - David Quinn (@davidquinn101) on Instagram: "The McLaren MP4-23, still 🔥 #McLaren #F1 #F12008 #MP423"

The solution is obviously simple, tone down the aero, reduce the reliance on clean air and F1 will get better. But this has been known for years and is impossible to fix, so the next simplest option is clearly to change the laws of physics. Make gravity go sideways, bin all that equal and opposite reaction shit and make it really funky. Why did Stephen Hawking have to die?

State of F1: Podium by... Never mind

We’ve had to put up with an utter ton of bullshit from McLaren in recent years, from the evocative reunion with both Honda and Alonso to promises of podiums, whining about engines and yet also bragging about chassis’ whilst never quite learning how to underpromise and overdeliver anything except grid penalties.

But this year is different, this year they have the third of four best engines in F1 - they have no excuse, nowhere to hide - and it seems after testing, no chance.

The bravest thing McLaren have done in recent years isn’t ditching Honda for Renault but releasing a documentary shitting on honda over the winter and then coming to Barcelona with such a comedy or errors and failures whilst Toro Rosso hammers in the laps again and again and again with that quote awful Honda in the back.

The documentary, which mainly consisted of awkward meetings where people were scared to say anything because there was a camera crew in the room or the charming B-Plot of trying to get Stoffel Vandoorne, a human shell with his charisma entirely removed to save weight, fit enough to drive a car that wouldn’t go. He’d have been better off eating cheeseburgers and getting a small tray installed on the car to eat whilst stuck in the gravel.

The documentary showed not only McLaren’s frustrations with Honda but also their heavy leaning on their own history and basic belief that they are great and if it wasn’t for this pesky engine then we’d be world champions again, honest.

“But the undercooked dauphinoise doesn’t really get noticed because the chef let his Alsatian do a shit on top of it.”

Except testing has shown that they won’t be. This is a team that has gotten flabby and soft since their heyday. Day one of testing and a wheel nut falls off, then their new engine overheats (whilst doing fine in the Red Bull and Renault) then they have to cut holes in the car because its burning the metal, a hydraulic leak and who knows what else causing stoppages and none of this quite rings true to the image of the squeaky clean McLaren branded perfection.

When it goes the car looks good, but it’s not going much - all of these problems can be fixed, but they’re problems that shouldn’t have been there and clearly this sloppiness have been masked by honda. As if the McLaren team is a gourmet meal with some minor niggles, but the undercooked dauphinoise doesn’t really get noticed because the chef let his Alsatian do a shit on top of it.

For the fourth year running I hope McLaren will do better than testing implies, but like Williams, I’m ceasing to truly believe it ever will.

Don't worry, I have a solution

I actually don’t, if this year is rubbish then they’ll lose alonso and the exodus of engineers will accelerate until they are a truly midfield team with no chance of being at the top of their game. Ron Dennis was right, they need to be a works team, but with Honda it never worked

So my solution is this - McLaren, please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please be less shit. Thanks!

State of F1: Give it out

It’s awkward when the freshly crowned world champion isn’t on the podium, it happened in 2006, 2008, 2009 and 2012 so it’s a problem that needs addressing - and, full disclosure, I had the idea for this state of F1 before liberty media slightly addressed it. But as ever, could do better.

The F1 season is made up of 22 races and each is as important to the championship, except when they’re not. Each race is its own little entity and 1st, 2nd and 3rd matters - even more so when it’s someone unexpected or new on the podium

But, on one race each year the cumulative effect kicks in and it’s about maths and possibilities - this weekend Lewis had to finish fifth to guarantee the championship, 9th ended up doing but 1st, 2nd or 3rd would have made for less weird telly.

So what did liberty get right? First - the 4th spot in the winners enclosure for the new world champion - brilliant idea. Also - big interview with him whilst he ran around. This was less brilliant.

Then a revolving DJ on a subdued podium, fucking weird

So what’s missing from this equation? What possibly could be added to make it seem more, I don’t know, ceremonial?

The clue was on the grid with the big fucking world championship spiral trophy. WHERE THE FUCK WAS IT AT THE END?

Think about wimbledon, the second the championship point is played they roll out a big carpet and line up all the officials and ball boys and girls and then wheel out Sue Barker to give out the - what is it they give out? A handshake, a well done? NO - IT’S A BIG FUCKING TROPHY. LEWIS HAMILTON JUST WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP - GIVE HIM THE FUCKING TROPHY

But no, what F1 have always done is wait until December then give it out in a closed door ceremony in Paris. Really great for the fans.

Don't worry, I have a solution

I actually thought they were going to get it right when the podium started spinning round like an episode of Bullseye. I thought that liberty had masterminded everything and had a special one step podium that Lewis Hamilton would appear on with the trophy in hand, and hopefully Sue Barker. Then you could have a slightly more formal interview after he’d calmed down a bit and then you’ve a smashing photo opp etc as new world champion holds the thing he just won.

There needs to be more visual rewards in F1 full stop, a way of keeping each race a separate entity, give each podium ceremony its own flavour, yes even if that is a revolving DJ.

But also, what about separate championships? Get the calendar more geographically sensible and then have the main championship split into a European Season, a US season etc. Maybe in the future we can even have teams that come in for part of a season - an American indy team coming in for four races just to beat Haas? What about drivers championships split into categories as defined by me? Old Farts, whiny dicks, sexy ones - Pascal Five times world champ!

Liberty have done a lot - there’s so much more to do.

State of F1: Linestone Cowboy

This weekend showed us the modernity of Liberty Media butting up against the Jurassic age of Bernie with a spectacular american spectacle. With bobby duffer doing boxing style announcements, confetti and eagles everywhere it showed how f1 is open for business with arms and legs wide as it wants as many people as possible to climb inside.

Then the race ended on a penalty that no once guessed, made a mockery of the podium celebration and led thousands of people to question why they were allowed to go over the lines most of the times if not all of them.

Let me reaffirm, Verstappen is a dirty cheat who gained an unfair advantage. But is it his fault, or is he the symptom of a broken age of F1 design.

I watched with a friend who is not as f1 fan and for most of the race and quali she questioned quite why they are sliding all over the not very subtle lines onto the ridiculous Stars and Stripes run off areas, though as an aside I do want more flag themed run offs at other tracks, if not just to have those bores that moan when the Union Jack is upside down.

It’s quite simple, if you give drivers room to run off they will runoff

Don't worry, I have a solution

Gravel. It’s not high tech and it’s dirt cheap at home base but let’s bring back gravel, or big bunkers, or water features, crocodiles, massive spikes, electrified fences, or my own personal favorite, gunge. I’ve always said that f1 should be more like the fun house with pat sharp so now here’s your chance. Yes it might be dangerous but if going wide ends your race you won’t go wide. If there was a grizzly bear with a shotgun on that bend then Max wouldn’t have cheated

F1 will act slowly on this so if you are going to one of the remaining races this season do a great escape and have gravel in your trousers, wander on to the track between sessions and whistle as you dump your load on the run off area.

State of F1: To Be Frank

Let’s get this straight, I’ve idolised the Williams F1 team since I was a kid, all my heroes drove for them, Nigel Mansell, Damon Hill, even Ayrton Senna, briefly

Their slide into the doldrums of F1 was depressing to watch and good old wheelchaired Sir Frank Williams has always been a bastion of how to get things done.

Then the Film “Frank” came out, all about a fictional version of Frank Williams with a Paper Mache head and played by Michael Fassbender. But in the last few weeks, however, the sequel to Frank has come out. Simply called ‘Williams’. in which we learn all about the man himself, what makes him tick and how he sleeps at night.

Spoiler alert - Frank Williams is a right cunt.

We learn in the film that he’s from a poor family, mixed with a bunch of posho’s, nicked their accent, drove some racing cars not terribly well then nicked some blokes girlfriend and married her, not that she’d know as he fucked off after the ceremony then kept fucking other women until literally he couldn’t because he was a paraplegic.

The film mainly takes place from the point of view of Ginny, his now deceased wife, who had left a bunch of tapes of interviews with a friend when she was working on a book in the 80’s called “A Different Kind of Life” subheading: FRANK I AM SUFFERING WILL JUST JUST FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE ME YOU TIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO HAVE TO WRITE THIS AS A BOOK TO GET YOU TO EVEN NOTICE WHAT A PRICK YOU ARE. Through these tapes we learn that Frank was a disaster at running his own team in the 70s and only stayed afloat by Ginny lending him money she’d never get back and that he was basically a laughing stock in F1. When Walter Wolf came in and bankrolled the team he got so sick of Frank that he fired him then went on to win their first race.

Perhaps most people, having been shit at something for years, would think it’s time to throw in the towel, but this is one thing I share with Sir Frank and off he went to make another team WITH THE VERY LOUD PATRICK HEAD that he called “Williams”

In this time he was screwing around but ginny don’t mind because this was the 80’s and weird looking men were expected to be fucking everything that moved and she was the wife and should just keep writing cheques and not at all in any way deal with issues or acknowledge that anything exists.

Then in 1986 the tragic car crash, Terry, is this where you’re going to get sympathetic? NO. He admits to driving like a cunt ,everyone who got in car with him thought he was a dangerous driver and its only a minor miracle that passenger on the day, Peter Windsor, didn’t get killed. In a modern interview Frank says he used to get GetHomeItis where he’d try and set a record to get back from a circuit. What a cocking bellend.

The film ends with a scene where Claire Williams (daughter and chip off the kid block who is posh and has banished her brother to tinkering with old cars with a man named Dickie.) reading from her dead mothers book about how her own father won’t open up or acknowledge anything and with Claire crying, me watching crying and all the film crew crying Frank does a wince like he’s had a paper cut and then does a face like he’s pissed off no one has put the kettle on

the close of the film is a horrible moment where on an extended camera shot we watch old man frank doze off in the back of the garage before being woken by an F1 car starting, as though even the directors were hoping he’d actually die during the filming, not just because it would make a good end to the film but because he is an irredeemable shit

Mark Kermode, if you’re after a new reviewer I’m free on tuesdays.

State of F1: Halo Goodbye

So the halo is here, looking as natural on an F1 car as a young CGI Jackie Stewart - “Ach I won’t have a drink as it looks like my face is about to fall off and it’ll all leak through my chinnae, aye?”. It looks like the bar they lower over you before going on a rollercoaster, they could at least have the decency to have a minimum height requirement for F1 drivers.

The thing that worries me most about the halo isn’t so much the fucking ugliness of it, but boy is it ugly. It looks like one of Flavio Briatore's thongs has been flung from a yacht mid-Monaco and landed on a poor drivers helmet. Why do you think everyone in F1 has started spontaneously throwing up in the last couple of weeks? But that it’s been said the teams can add their own aero to it to make it less conspicuous. Reading an article about Robert Kubica this week I accidently saw a picture of a 2008 car, it looked like a normal f1 car but with some nasty rash, bits poking out everywhere.

And this, after the race that Aero ruined, cars following each other like it was the M25 on a friday afternoon. Imagine a football match where the commentators and players keep saying, it’s hard on this pitch as you can’t actually kick a ball.

Don't worry, I have a solution

Upforce. Each car gets measured by the FIA for the amount of downforce it creates and mandates the opposite amount of upforce on the halo, cancelling out the silly front wings. This will hopefully lead to good, proper, sensible front wings that a just straight lines LIKE WHAT THEY USED TO BE. DUNKIRK AND ALL THAT. For every 100ft mural of Alonso in a chair I’d like just a chance to have a normal front wing that doesn’t ruin the rest of everything forever. I watched the F2 races this weekend, then a bunch of old 80’s races in a documentary - it was great. I’m not just being nostalgic, it was actually better in the old days.

State of F1: Silverstone

This is a post about the wankers at the BRDC (Bellends Ruining Drivers with Contracts).

Firstly, let's not forget that Silverstone’s main thing going for it is that it’s old. It’s like saying that we should probably replace Stormzy with old Cliff records on loop. Silverstone is flat, muddy, has bad parking and is called Silverstone. Stupid. Donnington imploded and since it last hosted a race Brands Hatch has shrunk to be about 30cm square so is no longer suitable for F1.

Therefore Silverstone should be onto a winner, history and ubiquity mean that there isn’t really another choice for F1 - and we need a British GP as basically all the teams live here and so does Murray Walker.

This all seemed to be apparent in 2009 when the BRDC (Ballbag Rutting Damon's Corns) signed a deal that would keep the British GP at silverstone until 2027 - from a BBC article at the time:

“The contract on the table was believed to demand a £12m fee for 2010, with an increase of 7% per year after that. However, it is now understood the increase has been pegged at 5%. There is also a clause in the contract that allows either side to end the contract after 10 years.”

They never had any intention of going further than ten years! I’ll bet that they worked out Bernie would be dead by then and they could appeal to the new owners who would see how ridiculous a 5% increase each year is. It’s a 17 year contract - 5% more each year is 85% - don’t check my maths.

And they were almost right. Bernie is gone and Liberty are in charge but let’s not forget they also quite like 5% of extra free money each year especially as, even though Bernie would take the money from your pocket he’d do it whilst maintaining eye contact, shaking your hand and somehow with your full agreement.

And to time their divorce announcement to be the week before the Grand Prix and then have people like Derek Warwick be really shitty every time asked about it and basically saying look how great the race is why don’t you all fuck off of course they’ll sign means that the official FF1S line is fucking bin Silverstone.

Don't worry, I have a solution

But Terry, I hear you cry, where should we conduct a race, would the streets of London really work?

No, course not, won’t ever happen. Instead we need to think laterally, what with Brexit happening we need an advert to the world that we are open for business. Therefore I say we tour old Empire countries - the British GP in Australia, in Canada, in India. No. Wait. THE FUCKING FALKLANDS. That’ll show them, with a bonus GP in Gibrlatar.

State of F1: CGI Stewart

Two things happened this weekend that pissed me right off about the state of f1 and if they get fixed I'll know liberty are on to a winner

First off there was the Bottas at the lights which reminded me that this red lights going out thing is nonsense. It should be red then green, I know it's because of reaction times and can see something going off quicker than coming on. But traffic lights, cartoons and computer games all have red to green. It's the will of the people. Also,clarification that Austria has an extra corner this year because reasons despite no actual track change, so what was corner two is now three, or one. No one cares. Numbering corners is THE WORST thing that has ever happened in f1. Circuits used to have inspirational and exciting names for corners, the tobacconists , maggots, the bus stop! Now it's just dreary numbers that make every circuit an identikit off the rack humdrumodrome. Ooh this turn three is like last weeks turn four, really? Fuck off.

Everything should be named and quick before sponsors get in on the action

And actually that's what annoyed me most this weekend. Heineken. Three things . Not only was there a terrible CGI Jackie Stewart advert in which they fail to make him look young next to some black and white Heineken bottles (as an aside, he's so wily im surprised in the 60s he didn't get footage of him with every possible brand for future advert rights). Anyway then we see him refusing a Heineken from a tray because he's driving but since when does he drive anywhere? It's stupid. Also the billboard that had a Heineken bottle appearing from the ground and making it look as though there was a rocket taking off every. Single. Lap. Impressive, great even, but terrible in a dull race because I kept thinking ooh a rockets taken off, that’ll liven things up.

And the helicopter looked terrifying.

Don't worry, I have a solution

Green lights, corner names, no stupid adverts. There you're done. You want more? Fans get to name the corners. I vote that at silver stone the first corner be renamed to k-mags fuckkk thisss

State of F1: Crime and Punishment

Sebastian Vettel did a naughty thing on Sunday - aside from the thousands of idiots on the internet who have a single jpeg between them that is not in doubt. But what should happen next? He’s off to a tribunal where they will decide if a ten second stop and go penalty is enough or whether he should have the book thrown at him, or rather whether they should take both hands off the book absolve all responsibility when it hits him.

He could be stripped of points from Baku, even given a race ban like what they used to in the old days. This is a close championship and, perhaps rightly, a lot of people will be pissed off if it’s decided by a points margin equalling the punishment. But then again is it acceptable to do something really fucking dangerous under safety car conditions when there are marshals on the track clearing up debris? Answer? Who fucking knows - like all what ifs the problem is there were no marshalls there and if there was then it probably wouldn’t have happened - it’s a silly argument. Also, it could have been worse, but wasn’t - if it had damaged Lewis’ car out of the race I’d imagine there would have been more uproar, but it didn’t.

In fact, if the headrest was on properly this would actually have less uproar. Swings, roundabouts and old metal scissors.

But here we are and what do we do? How do we punish Seb and why?

Don't worry, I have a solution

I know, you're expecting me to be all silly and say his ferrari at the next three races has to have “I’m an idiot” in giant letters, or he has to chauffeur lewis to an event or do a race with a honda engine. But I’m actually going to be semi serious here - we have a simple rule in FF1S, don’t be a dick. We hate Joyless Palmer not just becuase he’s terrible, there have been many terrible drivers, it’s because he’s so unwilling to accept the fact. We were not Alonso fans until he was in a shit car and got all sassy.

Whether a moment of hot headedness or a deep aggressive character flaw, what Vettel did on Sunday was a dick move, he then further compounded his dick by refusing to even admit he’d done anything wrong. If he’d apologised and said it was heat of the moment then fine. But he hasn’t so therefore the official FF1S proposed punishment is the strongest we can mete out: execution.

State of F1: Honda (again)

Honda. Yes I know, we dealt with this a few months ago. Everyone got together and agreed that there was a way to fix this embarrassing and humiliating problem, that was for Honda to accept some external help and get the engine on the way to ok and then somehow not be last.

Everyone was on board, except it seems for Honda. The expected upgrade that was due at the Canadian gp didn't arrive and by the sounds of it they didn't tell McLaren. Eric bouiller had to stay in between the vague hours of 9-5 but the delivery didn't come and when he rang Honda they said we did, there was no one in. You know the drill.

But unlike Yodel, Honda didn't even fucking try. They have decided that actually it's more important to solve this problem on their own. Like this isn't a multimillion pound f1 Programme but me and my kitchen lights. I'll admit after a bit of youtubing and a terrifying moment when the wires in my ceiling were not the colors I was expecting I did manage to get the lights working. But, to exactly quite Mario Illien: IT'S A LITTLE MORE FUCKING COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

So now everyone is crying, Alonso says he's going to quit and go to Indy if McLaren can't win be September, stoffelrofl isn't doing great and frankly my beloved team is fucked. Thank you Honda.

Do I have a solution?

No, well yes and it's pull your finger out. But really what's the point. All I have is a plea.

F1 you can't allow Alonso to go to Indy. There's only one thing to do. At the last GP before September (Belgium by my reckoning) all the other cars have to stop so Fernando wins. Come on f1, you've done it before, at Indianapolis ironically. I'd say be dramatic and leave it to the last lap but there's pretty scant evidence a Honda can make it that far.

State of F1: Moanaco

Let's face it, it's about time we all properly admitted it. Monaco is shit. Yes it's glamorous, yes swanky deals are done. But you can have glamour without a race and do the deals in a strip bar like any other self respecting businessman

This weekend there were two races, in Monaco nothing happened until Button tried to do a challenge from Record Breakers on wehrlein “How far can you push someone on two wheels - here’s Kris Akabusi” and then there was Indy, where arguably too much happens all the time, apart from when it doesn’t.

But, they say, Monte Carlo is the jewel in the crown of f1. And like a jewel, it looks pretty, costs a lot, is mostly associated by fat balding men (Hi, Prince Rainier!), and basically does nothing of any use.

It's the total failure of this years f1 redesign where tyres are fat, the cars are wider and harder to drive and yet no one bins it into the barriers.

Moanaco - as I’ll call it from now on, or Moan-ar-co if you’re Stirling Moss only works if it rains or if a series of drivers connect with the armco.

What kind of damning indictment of F1 is it that both Stroll AND Palmer manage to complete the race without once losing a wheel? Pathetic.

What’s worse is it’s one of the races that “non fans” watch because it’s so famous. So every year we’ll have some people thinking - I’ll give this a go - only to watch an hour and a half of tedium

Don't worry, I have a solution

Two words. Mario. Kart. If we can’t get rid of Monaco because of it’s significance then we have to make it more exciting. Let’s have the barriers gently sweeping in and out of the track, remove that pesky wall next to the harbour and if you fall in have a special bonus level underwater where you can earn gold stars.

I’m not really advocating giant missiles to race around the track but if we have DRS and Formula E’s fanboost already then we may as well go the whole hog and have a special weapon button that drivers can press to cause the other car to slow down (sponsored by Honda) or reverse steering or anything fun.

This isn’t for every race because most of the other are actually quite good. But if monaco looks dull, bring out Mario!

State of Indycar: Indy 500

Look, I'm going to square with you I don't know much about Indy, I'm an f1 fan who, I'll be honest, always thought that Indy was actually piss easy and driven mainly by failed drivers who couldn't do well in f1

Then Takuma Sato won and proved me right.

But seriously. We need to look at the race and see what makes it better than f1, steal the best bits then point and laugh at those silly stuck in their ways Americans.

Firstly the pageantry. The traditions and weird shit that on Britain we have no idea about, mainly because of bt sports coverage which was like watching three accountants all agree on a minor point on accounting for three hours.

But the milk, the military shit, the flypast, the kiss from the Indy princess. Hang on a minute. What the fuck what that, it was like being at some village fete where suddenly the mayor comes into the MORRIS dance all blacked up and people just say that was traditional.

But what do any f1 races have? Get the drivers to stand in a line for the anthem and if you're in Abu Dhabi have a giant fucking plane fly over. The tv coverage doesn't even give lip service to events on the ground in f1 unless you count David coulthard trying to dry hump everyone on the grid.

The race is fast, the sound is blissful the crashes are spectacular and the camera angles, long a bug bear of mine, make the cars look terrifying. There's visor cams. VISOR CAMS and everyone looks as if they're enjoying themselves

What do we get? That sweeping shot where it looks like everyone is doing 20mph, a few slow mo wobble shots (which are so so fucking dull)

And then there's the pit stops. Two blokes doing all the tyres then just flinging the gun away. Won't that break it? Look after your toys! And zero urgency. I'm only annoyed that Mclaren couldn't find it in the rules to bring a full f1 pit team to show how it's done.

AND RACE OFF PIT ROAD ISNT A FUCKING THING

While I'm at it, this silly 'safe' rule about overtaking. It's so English. Excuse Me dear boy, I'm going to overtake you now. Please do!

There's so much skill in 230mph oval racing and when it goes wrong it really does but just having this unable to defend shit is what makes me think it's piss easy.

But don't worry, I have a solution

Look, Indy is indy. It's had its ups and downs but it's got in place in history and f1 shouldn't fight it. I can't ever imagine having an Indy team come to f1. The cars can't be designed for one race and the egos wouldn't allow rebadged existing teams. But Mclaren and Alonso have shown it can go the other way. And I think the FIA should work to make this happen. Maybe not as far as making it an f1 race again but at least free up some of May for those that want to.

Or bring back an Indianapolis GP. Have it run the week after. Or wait. Run it with f1 cars at the same time. The f1 lot have to do the tricky infield whilst the others go round the oval. Jesus Christ I've done it again.

State of F1: Peeping Tom

Ross Brawn has hinted that a more open future for F1 by adopting a NASCAR style model of open scrutiny. At given intervals throughout the season the teams will have to open up their cars and other teams are allowed to poke about and see the magical hidden bits. This means that a Force India can copy a Mercedes widget fairly and the big money teams don’t have a massive advantage.

Of course the big teams (cough, Mercedes) will be against this as anything that diminishes their advantage is obviously terrible, and wait Ferrari are storming out the sport again until Chase Carey starts crying and then gets to meet Kimi Raikkonen.

But, like every State of F1 we have to deal with the fundamental question of what the hell is F1 anyway. Is it to be the best of the best, with teams putting screens up around their test cars like an arm wrapped round your desk in an exam. Or is it about competition and that if you’re truly the best you’ll always be one step ahead of the rest. Either way it’s a rule that will appeal to the have nots and horrify the haves. How do we square this circle?

Don't worry, I have a solution

As ever, these wishy washy debates never go far enough. I say if we’re going to take rules from fucking NASCAR let’s go the whole hog and bring in the running Le Mans style starts, only with all the pieces from all the cars all over the road. Whoever can pick up enough bits and bolt them on quickest gets to go first. The cars will be all different colours and it won’t only be about driving skill but also how many episodes of scrapheap challenge you’ve watched. Win win.

State of F1: Shield my eyes

Goodbye Halo, now we have a shield - essentially that bit of transparent lego that ends up buried in the carpet waiting for the soft flesh of a parent’s foot.

This is the first sign of weakness from Liberty Media, by allowing a third option for head protection to just be mandated without any flair or discussion is exactly the Bernie way of doing things.

And it’s such an awful compromise, its basically just a big helmet visor in front of the helmet and its own tiny visor.

This week the powers that be have mandated that numbers and driver names have to be massive on the cars, why not go the whole hog and just mandate the helmets to be fucking huge to fit the new shield visor?

But to solve this problem (which I will) we need to work out exactly what the problem is. The definition of F1 is down to two things, Open cockpit and open wheels. What does this mean really? That there’s not a big bubble over the driver or a tin roof, because otherwise how will you know it’s an F1 car? Well if having your head waggling about just asking for debris to hit it is so fucking important then why bother with a fucking helmet at all? How many of the current f1 drivers would opt to not wear a helmet if they didn’t have to? None of them thats who. So quit whining about how some plastic protection looks silly and man up and use an open face helmet made of leather like what drivers used to wear.

The other problem with open cockpits is it’s a nightmare for aerodynamicists who hate having the driver bobbing around ruining their precious airflow. This is the biggest argument against head protection yet, as anything to piss off aerodynamicists is worth it, as it’s been proven time and time again that they fuck everything up.

Don't worry, I have a solution

Sometimes to look forward we must first look back. How do we solve the problems of necessary head protection and also doing a fuck you to the aero people? Pill boxes. Like what was used in the war, I propose the cockpit being covered in a massive perspex dome, but in the most aero unfriendly shape possible, and to keep the ethos of open cockpit racing there will be a large eye slit in the front. The wind will still hit the driver and it will further screw up the aero. On top of this the cockpit cover will be so strong we won’t need helmets so we can see the drivers heads, just like I’ve always wanted. And if the wind going through the hole is too much then they can just wear a visor.

Or lasers, tiny lasers that zap debris that comes close. Shit that’s a great idea. No helmet or cockpit cover, just one of those purple lights you used to get in chip shops that zaps flies, but modify it to zap carbon fibre shards and gravel.

The State of F1: Indy500

Ok, let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way first - last week I did a State of F1 all about what Fernando Alonso should do next. The point of my State of F1’s is to propose a real life F1 problem and then a silly unworkable and totally unbelievable solution. I’m gutted to say that not even I thought he would be off to do the Indy500.

This is a test for Liberty Media - perhaps their first big one. Bernie has said he wouldn’t have let him go and surely if this had happened last year MR E would have meted out some punishment of sorts for DARING to do anything that isn’t F1. In fact the Monaco GP weekend is scheduled where it is precisely to prevent this kind of behaviour.

But we have a new order - an Alonso in an unwinnable car and a great story for F1. How are they going to get the most out of this?

Firstly, the broadcasting rights are all over the shop. In the UK alone we have the Monaco GP on Sky and Channel 4 but the indycar racing is on BT Sport. I honestly don’t know how to fix this - most likely huge amounts of money but the indy500 has to be viewable by everyone who just watched the Monaco GP. Channel4 can link to a special free presented by BT thing, they can make a whole new channel. Anything! This is basically like Live Aid for motorsport. Bob Geldof needs to be swearing on breakfast television in the morning to get this deal made.

How well will he do? Alonso is a fantastic driver, but the indy500 is fucking terrifying. Like shit yourself crazy - its really dangerous, and they won’t want him to come and win and make it look easy and F1 has a habit of showing the world how piss easy indycar is. Nigel Mansell walked the floor with them, they’re not going to want a repeat of that.

Could he get the triple? Only Graham Hill has won the Monaco GP, Le Mans and the Indy500. If alonso doesn’t win at indy when will he have another go? What if the McLaren is good next year?

Button is back, he's not going to do any testing because really why waste a day when he's likely to retire within a couple of laps. It's a shame there couldn't be some kind of indycar exchange Programme but who really would want to pass up the 500 in order to get a terrible car at an unforgiving circuit?

Don't worry, I have a solution

Well it's not a solution this week. It's a debate. A wishlist of what could be. Let me dream

what I really want, and have always wanted is A true cross promotion of the heroes of the various Motorsport classes around the world. Why not have a top Indy driver do a couple of f1 races, an f1 team entering a car for Le Mans? Why can't they get half the field over to Indy next year? Make it an official f1 championship race. Even bring good tyres this time

The race of champions is a great one off if niche sexy neck hurting event. What if the rest of Motorsport could be like this for key races in each series. F1 drivers at the Indy500, indy and LMP drivers at the British Grand Prix? Joyless Palmer being last at a motogp race? Let's make this new world. Give me your fucking drivers!

The State of F1: Alonso

Terry's State of F1 is normally a serious look at a problem in F1 with a silly solution, for the Chinese GP episode he looked at the situation with Alonso and McLaren, unfortunately not even in his imagination did he think Fernando would fuck off and do the Indy500.

When in 2015 Mclaren took the brave step to power their F1 cars with nostalgia no one knew just how terrible it would be.

1989! They shouted, we thought that was a reference to the glory years when in fact it's the average gap in seconds to the Mercedes. Honda! They cried, before they actually started to cry. Alonso! The double world champ who gave McLaren a shitty year the first time round and exactly no world championships.

Everything was set for the utter disaster it’s turned out to be. Honda have learned nothing, Alonso is openly advertising his services and yet they still believe they are the best team in the world. As do I. Writing from Italy right now, McLaren’s demise hurts.

But lets focus on Alonso. Like Williams, McLaren can probably Chumbawhumba their way around for another decade or so before magicking it all back, but Alonso is very much on his way out of F1.

Whether it’s zero years or five the man who won the 2005 and 2006 championships has never looked further away from becoming a hat-tricker.

Why?

Well, let’s be honest, he’s a bit of a dick. But rightly so. He wrestled the Minardi in his first F1 season to incredible results, won two championships with Renault and then moved to McLaren for a glory year that Lewis Hamilton ruined and Alonso sulked.

Then he went back to Renault, tail between his legs and was absolutely not involved took part in the crashgate cheating scandal, allegedly. In 2008 his car was rubbish and he sulked

Then he signed with Ferrari, had a couple of good years but ultimately never won the championship, and then sulking in public because the team were shit.

Now back to McLaren where he started sulking almost on day one and hasn’t quit since.

So where is left for him to go? Nowhere, Mercedes had the chance to get him but chose not to, Ferrari own’t have him back, surely he can’t go to Renault AGAIN? Haas is backed by Ferrari, Red Bull have never been interested and Williams already have a failed Ferrari driver in their midst.

He’s staying with McLaren because no one else will have him. And to be honest, that’s terrible for F1.

But don’t worry, I have a solution

He should quit, like yesterday. He should go away for a year, get fit, have some plastic surgery curl his hair and disappear. Coincidentally next year Mercedes will make a shock signing of a new driver with curly hair called, I don’t know, Michael Knight. Michael will be the first driver unable to speak thanks to a childhood trauma and therefore not wont to piss everyone off. Job done.

The State of F1: Aero

New rules, fat tyres, low wings, most of the penis noses and Bernie gone. It's a new dawn for f1 hallelujah. What? Don't mention that the race was pretty dull? But it can't be!

Only it was. Despite everything the Australian GP was a snooze fest of cars stuck behind other cars and unable to overtake. A problem that is so uniquely f1. Imagine a football match where the players can't actually shoot at the goal.

It's all down to aerodynamics, a purposefully confusing technology that you can't see but makes f1 shit. Let me summarize. A car hits air and the aerodynamics of the front wing reshape the air to push down all over the car before farting it all out of the back. This air is now dirty, used and a car too close behind won't be able to utilize these sloppy seconds and so have to back off to get some more of the good stuff.

Still not getting it? Right, the other week I had a meeting and as I got off the tube I realised I needed to poop real bad. I’ve got a kind of IBS and if I don’t poop soon there's a chance I will shit himself. Not saying this has happened before. But I'm also not saying it hasn't.

The only toilet I could find was at Macdonald's and here is where the analogy comes into play. If I had been the first person at Maccy D’s that day I would have found a pristine bog, freshly cleaned and with replenished tissues and soap.

Whereas I was Lewis Hamilton stuck waiting for Verstappen to finish up in there. When he left there was fresh piss all over the seat. The toilet itself was full of shitty tissue and EVERYTHING was wet. My engineer was saying this was poop critical and I had to reply “There’s no way I get past this mess”

Although unlike Hamilton, I did manage to shit. Just saying.

But don’t worry, I have a solution

There are two solutions to this problem, one easy and one hard. The easy problem is to make front wings less complicated. But seeing as F1 has a permanent boner for flaps and elements we’ll have to go with option two. Air cleaners.

At the back of the rear wing will be some FIA mandated apparatus that resets the air, like a diffuser it straightens all the vortices and twiddly bits out and makes everything smooth and not covered in piss. This means a car behind will be able to get right up close. Job done. Yes you could moan that this apparatus would be unwieldy and look ugly. But I just say to you: shark fins, cock noses and Ralf Schumacher.