New rules, fat tyres, low wings, most of the penis noses and Bernie gone. It's a new dawn for f1 hallelujah. What? Don't mention that the race was pretty dull? But it can't be!

Only it was. Despite everything the Australian GP was a snooze fest of cars stuck behind other cars and unable to overtake. A problem that is so uniquely f1. Imagine a football match where the players can't actually shoot at the goal.

It's all down to aerodynamics, a purposefully confusing technology that you can't see but makes f1 shit. Let me summarize. A car hits air and the aerodynamics of the front wing reshape the air to push down all over the car before farting it all out of the back. This air is now dirty, used and a car too close behind won't be able to utilize these sloppy seconds and so have to back off to get some more of the good stuff.

Still not getting it? Right, the other week I had a meeting and as I got off the tube I realised I needed to poop real bad. I’ve got a kind of IBS and if I don’t poop soon there's a chance I will shit himself. Not saying this has happened before. But I'm also not saying it hasn't.

The only toilet I could find was at Macdonald's and here is where the analogy comes into play. If I had been the first person at Maccy D’s that day I would have found a pristine bog, freshly cleaned and with replenished tissues and soap.

Whereas I was Lewis Hamilton stuck waiting for Verstappen to finish up in there. When he left there was fresh piss all over the seat. The toilet itself was full of shitty tissue and EVERYTHING was wet. My engineer was saying this was poop critical and I had to reply “There’s no way I get past this mess”

Although unlike Hamilton, I did manage to shit. Just saying.

But don’t worry, I have a solution

There are two solutions to this problem, one easy and one hard. The easy problem is to make front wings less complicated. But seeing as F1 has a permanent boner for flaps and elements we’ll have to go with option two. Air cleaners.

At the back of the rear wing will be some FIA mandated apparatus that resets the air, like a diffuser it straightens all the vortices and twiddly bits out and makes everything smooth and not covered in piss. This means a car behind will be able to get right up close. Job done. Yes you could moan that this apparatus would be unwieldy and look ugly. But I just say to you: shark fins, cock noses and Ralf Schumacher.